Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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