All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
