Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
