By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
