he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
