how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
