I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
