Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
