It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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