A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
