She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Randomize
