I wish my penis had an off switch
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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