remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
