So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
