So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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