That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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