ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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