the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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