Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
