you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
