I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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