i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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