You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
