Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
