Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
