im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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