I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
