I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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