im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize