he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
