I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
