so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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