I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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