: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
