I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize