I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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