Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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