I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
