If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
