you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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