ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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