I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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