I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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