I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
how does that bad decision feel?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
