new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
