Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
