i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
