if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
