Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
