Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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