i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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