she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize