Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
