I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
