Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i believe in u and ur pee
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
