I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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