the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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