Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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