so explain again why im purple
no
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
