i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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