She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
