Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize