Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
