why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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