i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize