I didn't shave. On purpose
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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