My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
